My eldest grandson comes to play at Nanna’s house with his younger sister at least once a week. They love coming. They love the toys, the snacks, our garden, and our company. This last week they came as usual, but things were a bit different. Having injured my back and being still in recovery mode, I was not as active as I usually am. I couldn’t get down on the floor to play or join in kicking the ball in the garden. I was cautious and careful and less present. Our boy must have picked up on this. As the time came for last cuddles before we took them home, he came bounding over, and as he usually does, proceeded to try and climb up onto my lap. That was too much for my poor aching body, and I gently repositioned him to sit beside me on the sofa instead.
‘Oh Nana,’ he said with exasperation. ‘Why do you have to be so old?’
Frustration
Now I could have taken offense. I am in fact the youngest of all four of his grandparents – by some way! But in that moment, I did actually feel old. The pain in my back and legs has left me hobbling and exhausted, acting older. He wasn’t wrong.
I could have been angry at his disrespect. I dare say if his parents had been there a rebuke would have followed. But instead, I smiled, laughing to myself. He wasn’t being rude; he was just as frustrated as I was that we couldn’t have our usual cuddle and voiced it in a way that made sense to him.
I don’t think he was expecting me to answer either.
As I drew him closer and tucked a cosy blanket around him, he leaned into me as we watched a favourite video together. I knew he wasn’t really upset with me, just with the circumstances. He still loved me and knew that I loved him.
Asking God ‘why?’
As I have been mulling over this little incident, God has been speaking.
How many times have I asked God ‘why?’. How many times have accusations against Him popped into my mind? When things happen that I don’t like, or don’t understand. When He doesn’t seem to be answering my prayers, or responding in the way I want Him to? Even in the last few weeks where the back pain has limited what I can do, made me feel really low, gone on longer than I hoped. When people have been praying for my healing, and it hasn’t seemed to have made any difference. There have been times when the temptation to blurt out my exasperation at God has found voice.
Psalm 22
I love the Psalms, because the Psalmist is so human. So many times we hear him ask questions of God and be honest about his feelings. This last week I read Psalm 22 again. It is well known to be the Psalm that foretells much of Christ’s suffering on the cross. Jesus quoted from it as He hung in agony,
My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Why are You so far from helping Me,
And from the words of My groaning?
The Psalm talks of intense human pain, but it is not all negative. In fact, the verses describing suffering are interspersed with ‘buts’ as the Psalmist reminds us, and himself, of the character and faithfulness of God.
But You are holy,
Enthroned in the praises of Israel.
Our fathers trusted in You;
But You are He who took Me out of the womb;
From My mother’s womb
You have been My God.
And it ends with a celebration of answered prayer,
For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;
Nor has He hidden His face from Him;
But when He cried to Him, He heard.
God can handle it
Now I would not dare to compare my back pain to the suffering that Christ endured, but I do take comfort from His Word. I have endured tougher times than this before and I have questioned God. But my testimony has been that He is faithful, He does answer prayer, He does deliver and heal, He can be trusted.
So, if in a moment of exasperation, I want to cry out ‘Why, God?’, it is OK. God can handle it. He won’t take offense. He might gently chide me but not in anger. He won’t punish me by pulling away. Instead, He pulls me closer and holds me tighter. He whispers words of understanding and love. He reminds me of His goodness, His faithfulness, the hope I have in His promises. He asks me again to trust Him, and I find my peace restored when I make the choice to do so. When I put down having to know the reasons why, and just lean into His love.
Joy Margetts is a published author and blogger. Her books are works of Christian Historical fiction. Set in medieval Wales against the backdrop of Cistercian abbey life, they tell stories of faith, hope and God’s redemptive power.
She has also written two non-fiction devotionals. More information on Joy, and her books can be found here
