I am currently living through one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Grief, loss and uncertainty are my constant companions. I am saying goodbye to dear loved ones, and experiencing the loss of other things that have given my life stability and certainty for many years. I have questions. Lots of them. The ‘why’s?’ The ‘why now’s?’ The ‘when’s?’ and the ‘what will it look like?’ And the big one, ‘what will my life look like when all this has passed?’
A child’s question
Those of you who read my blog regularly know that my grandchildren teach me so much. My nearly 4 year old grandson has lots of questions. He wants to know ‘why?’ an awful lot. He needs to know exactly where he is going, who will be there, what we will be doing, and for how long! A few days after my dear father went home to be with Jesus, my grandson was visiting his great nanna’s home with us. He got his toys out as usual, sat eating his usual snacks, and then suddenly realised something was different. ‘Where is great granddad?’ he asked.
Now as the grief bubbled up to the surface at his innocent question, it would have been easy to change the subject, ignore his question, lie even. But that wouldn’t have been the right or healthy response. His question was valid and needed an honest answer, however hard that was for us. He deserved to have his question answered, even if it made him sad too.
Limited understanding
He is not yet four, with limited understanding of life’s pain, and with a soft and innocent child’s heart. He had just noticed that there was someone missing, who had always been there. Sitting in a chair in the corner, with a ready smile and warm hug. Did he need to know all the details of how my father had died? Did he need to know about the trauma surrounding his unexpected passing? Of course not. We told him that great grandad got very old and tired and went to be with Jesus. We had to explain, in response to more questions, that yes he was going to be staying there, that he was really happy to be with Jesus in heaven, and that, yes, we were sure he had a really comfortable bed to sleep in there.
A ‘need to know’ basis
His parents chose not to bring our grandson to the funeral because he did not need to know what cremation was, to see the coffin containing dad’s earthly remains, or have the role of the funeral director explained to him. He did not have to see us all in tears. He did come to dad’s Thanksgiving Service and he loved it – the joy and hope and love was palpable. He got to be with family he loved and played with some of his great grandad’s ‘toys’ (military models that my dad collected and painted) as what he called ‘the show’ went on around him.
Questions God won’t answer… for my good
God spoke to me really clearly through this. I may not be a nearly four year old, but to him I am His beloved child. I have questions, and sometimes wish I had all the answers, but God knows that I cannot cope with knowing all that He knows. He knows that would hurt and harm me. He loves me too much to not expose my already fragile heart to more that it can take. He always acts to protect His own.
His ways are higher than mine, His understanding infinite, whilst mine is finite. Yet there are certain things He does want me to hear and know. Like the reminder of the promises written in His word, the reminder of His constant presence and provision, the reminder of His unending love for me.
God whispers His answer
I know there will be a time when all my many questions are answered, or perhaps when I will no longer need answers. When I see Him face to face and nothing else matters any more.
My questions are valid, and God does not brush them off. Instead, He whispers to my heart,
I know, beloved, and I have you. You need to trust me, that I have all of this, and that I am with You. I see your pain, I hear your heart cry, and it moves me deeply. Please know that every promise I have made over you and your life, are yes and amen. This season will end, as surely as spring follows winter. I give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
All your questions are answered in Me.
Joy Margetts is a published author and blogger. Her books are works of Christian Historical fiction. Set in medieval Wales against the backdrop of Cistercian abbey life, they tell stories of faith, hope and God’s redemptive power. Her debut novel ‘The Healing‘ was published by Instant Apostle on 19 March 2021.
‘The Pilgrim‘, her second full length novel, was published by Instant Apostle on 22 July 2022, and her third novel, ‘The Bride‘, published on 20th October 2023. ‘The Stranger‘, her fourth full length novel was published 22 November 2024 by Broad Place Publishing.
Her first non-fiction book, an Advent Devotional, ‘Christ Illuminated‘ was published in September 2023 and her latest 40 day devotional, ‘Because of the Cross‘ was published 7 February 2025
More information on Joy, and her books can be found here
